Scaredy Cats

Straight or gay, men don't want to be fat, bald or poor. It's what keeps up at night, shaking under the sheets and biting our nails.

According to Men's Health, baldness, obesity, poverty, having a sissy son and not being able to get it up are men's biggest fears.

I'll take the first three, with a shot of Propecia and some serious cardio. And while I don't see myself in the gutter, I do fear that James and I will be priced out of Chelsea and we'll have to move to back to the hood where I grew up at. As Green-Acres-meets-227 as that that would be, it is something I think about during especially trying times at work or when I read about this upcoming recession.

But my biggest fear, aside from losing James or my family, is fast forwarding ten years into the future and finding myself in front of this laptop with nothing but a gut, a cheeseburger and a surly disposition between me and the keyboard. A little bit of that "where the hell is all of this going" panic has set in as my tenth high school reunion approaches, but I placate that with a vigorous workout and a short checklist of achievement: travel, sanity, relationship, financial independence, still know where i and e belong after c.

So as the next ten years approach, I'll just put a little more umph into my game, cut haters off at the pass, and hope for the best. And James, I know we've discussed this before, but you'll still love me if I turn into Homer Simpson, right?