Real Housewives: Conspicuous Consumption That Even I Can't Stomach

No one loves flash more than me. A gold watch here, a faux hawk there, pointy shoes with mix-matched shirts and ties - I live my life in costume. There, I said it. But my look-at-me ways have limits, especially during a recession.

Which is why my jaw dropped in horror last night after catching a few minutes of the Real Housewives of Orange County on Bravo. While the world is falling apart these five whores are gallivanting in a haze of bleached-blonde, acrylic-tipped, botoxed entitlement. With their chests pumped out to there with silicone and dipped in spray tan and diamonds no less. Some of these women are moms, some of them have careers, the common denominator among them is their offensive commonness and tacky nouveau-riche ways - case in point: in one episode the "ladies" gather for a trunk show in someone's home where Roberto Cavalli (for Dress Barn?) leopard prints were tossed on with wild abandon while the harpies crowed "it's so sophisticated, it's so classy."

Readers take note: asymmetrical hemlines and zebra prints are not classy. Especially if you're a double digit girl squeezing into a size negative six wrap dress.

The fine line between Real Housewives and Hookers on the Point is indistinguishable to me as the working girls on both shows have the same taste in clothes and johns/husbands. You can see the perversion in the eyes of the women on both shows, all of them obsessed with money, all of them frantic like animals trying to survive in the wild - all of these hos know it's not a long fall to the gutter.

Now, I admit, I can sit through an episode of the show (barely) but such is the nature of Bravo TV's programming, which I'm usually a fan of - except for the food shows because, honestly, my taste in food is pretty base (anything fried with a margarita rocks-salt on the side for me)- it draws you in and keeps you clawing for more drama or vulgarity.

But this is one show the world can do without. Hell, these are five women humanity can do without. It's everything that's wrong with America, a reminder that most people in this country are only one zero or two on their paycheck away from trampling someone at a Walmart for a 5am 25-cent discount.