In the age of You Tube, it makes perfect sense.
While the country waits for the President's State of the Union address, CNN.com is asking its visitors to upload their own address to the news site.
Sadly, I lost my digital camera a few months ago (though you can send in your thoughts to the site via e-mail, too)...so the following is the script for what would be the most dazzling, cinematic, dramatic, WOW, State of the Union address EVER. Starring yours truly, Mr. Gay Conservative Liberal.
Picture it: a flurry of white rose petals washes over those assembling in the Great Hall. The murmurs of awe and hate make the room tremble. Pearls are clutched, statesmen clutch their wives' hands. In fear. Where IS this country going?
Of course, Madonna, J-Lo, Ricky, Lindsay and Hillary (Clinton) are totally cheering me on and they're leading the audience in anticipatory clapping.
Suddenly, green lasers (yes, very Waiting for Tonight) pierce through the room and a steady drum beat brings everyone to their feet. There is no need to announce me for I enter the room slowly, decked out like one Mr. John Galliano at the Dior show in Paris (pictured above).
I am leading a pack of three Rottweilers, sans muzzles, to the podium. As I make my way down the aisle, avoiding everyone's gaze, marching to the beat of the drum, tugging at the dogs' leashes to keep their gait in step with mine, I realize that power, and this costume, are tedious.
But the show hasn't even begun.
I hand the leash over to a man servant and take the stage. A bedazzled microphone like the ones Mariah Carey uses is handed to me.
It's Showtime (as in the channel) because MY State of the Union Address would be on Pay-Per-View, bitches.
"My fellow Americans, I've kidnapped your leader and turned him GAY.
Because America doesn't need crotch-grabbing cowboys who can't pronounce words like "nuclear" and "radicchio." Cowboys may have won the West, but today's mission of winning the hearts of the world will be won with intellect, with compassion.
And that starts here at home.
If we haven't figured out that democracy equals choice then we have no business trying to "spread" it in other, oil-rich parts of the world.
Let's face it, there are people who hate us and who are dying under oppressive regimes in countries that can't even turn up a dung beetle. And if Osama (the Arab not the black guy) ever got a gun in any of these people's hands we'd all be in trouble. So here's the truth, the war on terror is a pre-emptive move to preserve our greedy way of life.
It is what it is, accept it. Unless you want to wind up your car or your bus or your train to work every five minutes on your way to work in the morning. So get used to it, we're not leaving Iraq until Steve Jobs can create an i-car that runs on the beat of the Immaculate Collection.
When I talk about compassion I mean ensuring that this stupid war that W got us into actually turns into something good for all of us. So I'm asking Congress to appropriate Halliburton's profits and turn it into seed money for the first comprehensive healthcare program for every American citizen.
Because as Americans, we're all part of one big family. And that's why I'm asking Congress to let our brothers marry their brothers. That's right, America, the gay marriage debate ends here. In my American family, everyone is allowed to marry whoever they want. We're going to tax the crap out of you, of course, but fair is fair.
Now, I don't know about you but I think these Evangelicals have got a little too much pull here in Washington. So they can have it! Let's go WAY back to the principles on which this country was founded and bring our nation's capital back to New York City.
And finally, because I know you're all anxious to get to the after-party, I want to talk about immigration.
It's not really a problem for me and that brings us back to my point about making this stupid war we're in count for something. If we're gonna blow up countries with the explicit purpose of preserving our sovereignty, than anyone who is ballsy enough to cross in here and try to raise a family and put them through school deserves a shot at it. Now that doesn't mean I want to see immigrants, or any American, popping kids out recklessly. If you're here and you're working hard that's great, but if you're going to coast by with no education and stuffing your third butt cheek with Pizza Hut you can bet your Payless shoes I'm deporting you and your American-born children back where you came from.
OK folks, I love you all, I love this country. Things are bleek now but not for longer. I want to thank my musical guest Beyonce and I want to thank all of you at home for watching. Good night, and God Bless America!"