Monday, March 31, 2008

Islam is World's Largest Religion

Dress accordingly.

Happy Monday!

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Are Trannies the New Gays?

My GOD it's hard to be special these days. Just when you thought it was enough to be every straight girl's dream date and the envy/secret crush of hetero men, gay men now have to account for the goings-on of the tranny community. Intersex, middlesex, sussex and mangina - oh my!

There was once a time when being gay was kind of cool, outre even. Thanks to Bravo, Sex and the City, and some activism, revealing one's homosexuality, in many circles, is like telling everyone your blood type is O negative. Who the hell cares, right?

Well, just when you thought there was a lull in unnecessary sexual banter at the office, gay men and their female coworkers have something new to talk about besides said gay's sexploits at the gym: trannies. Specifically, men who can have babies.

Call me stupid, a racist, a homophobe, and damn sexy, but I am DISGUSTED by the story of Thomas Beatie, a FTM (female-to-male) tranny in Oregon who is preggers.

Why can't people leave well enough alone? I am so on board with people wanting to live their best life and do them, but do you have to gross everyone else out in the process?

The Advocate
is calling Beatie's story a Labor of Love, I call it regressing the gay rights debate to the whole "is it a choice?" issue. If you can't choose your gender or sexual orientation, can you choose the benefits of gender that suit your whims when you feel like having a baby and sporting a beard?

You can't have a Big Mac AND a Whopper; and so it goes with gender. If you're gonna be a man you can't go using your birth-given vagina when it suits you while trying to out-macho born-men every other day of your life.

Of course, the bigger issue here is the comeback of the tranny from the shadows of the Meat Packing District to the forefront of pop culture. Everything is tranny this, tranny that. In fact, 2008 is gearing up to be the year of the tranny. Which is fine, because the gays could use a respite from being the arbiters of all things sex and style for a few months.

Just don't come crawling back to us when you've had your fill of mangina.

Happy Anniversary, Mimi!

I've been in love with Mariah Carey since I was 15. So on this, her anniversary (as she is known to call her birthday), I want to wish the Divine Miss Mimi continued success, happiness and an 18th, 19th, 20th hit single off her new album.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Barack Obama is the Antichrist

Sorry for the lag in posts; I was traveling for work for a few days and managed to fall ill upon my return. So I spent all of last week in a Nyquil-induced haze, too useless to think of anything witty to say about the world's state of affairs.

But I'm back.

While I slipped in and out of consciousness last week it seems the filler story for segments on Jesus and the fifth anniversary of the second invasion of Iraq were the incendiary comments made by Barack Obama's pastor, Jeremy Wright.

And it seems, for the most part, that stupid Democrats don't really care if Barack Hussein Obama went to school at a madrassa or if he is part of a radical, anti-white church that advocates the destruction of America. Homeboy is still leading the delegate count and attention-starved politicos like Bill Richardson are all but too happy to bask in the glow of the Obama movement.

But the Wright debacle marks a milestone in the election and in our history: faced with the most damning of affiliations, Barack Obama presses on relatively unscathed in the polls. People are ready for change, and they don't care if Idi Amin or Louis Farrakhan takes over the White House, they just want "different." They want an "outsider" to come in and lobby for the little guy. And they'll put up with anything just to catapult their candidate to power, and to make right centuries of racial discord.

So Barack is an angel of peace and reconciliation? I say he's the Antichrist. With his slick, analgesic prose he's all but won the popular vote, his America-hating wife, minister,and Muslim roots notwithstanding.

The Antichrist's most revealing characteristic is his way with words and his unique ability to galvanize people under a banner of peace, unity...change. People will turn against reason and hoist this figure to power in spite of reason. With words and little substance, Barack has dumbed the election down and reduced the Democratic party to a bunch of smiling, Kool-Aid drinking Change-ists.

Kudos to him, woe for America. Or at least the Dems, because McCain still leads Barack and Hillary in the elections and y'all know that if push comes to shove I'm either sitting the election out or I'll vote Republican.

Friday, March 14, 2008

Scaredy Cats

Straight or gay, men don't want to be fat, bald or poor. It's what keeps up at night, shaking under the sheets and biting our nails.

According to Men's Health, baldness, obesity, poverty, having a sissy son and not being able to get it up are men's biggest fears.

I'll take the first three, with a shot of Propecia and some serious cardio. And while I don't see myself in the gutter, I do fear that James and I will be priced out of Chelsea and we'll have to move to back to the hood where I grew up at. As Green-Acres-meets-227 as that that would be, it is something I think about during especially trying times at work or when I read about this upcoming recession.

But my biggest fear, aside from losing James or my family, is fast forwarding ten years into the future and finding myself in front of this laptop with nothing but a gut, a cheeseburger and a surly disposition between me and the keyboard. A little bit of that "where the hell is all of this going" panic has set in as my tenth high school reunion approaches, but I placate that with a vigorous workout and a short checklist of achievement: travel, sanity, relationship, financial independence, still know where i and e belong after c.

So as the next ten years approach, I'll just put a little more umph into my game, cut haters off at the pass, and hope for the best. And James, I know we've discussed this before, but you'll still love me if I turn into Homer Simpson, right?

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Monsters and Black People

If the worst the two contendors for the Democratic Party's Presidential nomination can do is call each other lucky and monsters, via their supporters and staffers, then set your snooze alarm for November and just vote for whoever emerges from this PTA-cupcake-sale-election and toss a coin to see who you'll vote for.

Over the weekend Barack's team called Hillary a monster (though she's been called worse and STILL won the Texas and Ohio primaries...) and now one of Hillary's backers, Geraldine Ferraro, has entered the fray. From the Boston Globe:

Ferraro, who backs Hillary Clinton and is raising money for her, was excoriated yesterday by Barack Obama's campaign for suggesting that he wouldn't be a contender if he were a white man or a woman of any color. "He happens to be very lucky who he is," she told a newspaper in California last week. The country, she said, is "caught up in the concept" of the first African-American president.

I couldn't agree more with Ferraro's statement and of course, that makes me a racist, a homophobe and a tranny.(It's the word of the week, bear with me)

Though, I distinctly recall Barack playing up his good fortune at being born in America, of being the product of a unique moment in history where someone of his unique background can even dream of becoming President of the United States during the Texas and Ohio primaries. Click here for the speech he delivered in San Antonio during the Texas primary and scroll to 11:06.

He's lucky when he wants to be just as he's wont to get pissy and offended.

Still, not enough drama for me here. Barack needs to get his people in order and stop them from name-calling and stop them from going to foreign countries to talk down his campaign rhetoric on free trade. In short, they need to get ready for prime time, tighten their foreign policy and stop with the feigned umbrage over a mere statement of fact.

And will someone please dig up a sex tape or pit their opponent in some tranny prostitution ring? Otherwise let's just please spare everyone this slap fighting and nominate Hillary.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

The Women

Sometimes it's hard to be a woman, givin' all your love to just one man. You'll have bad times, he'll have good times, doin' things that you don't understand.

Tammy Wynette, how right you are.

In a political scandal that is sure to thaw what's left of winter, New York governor Elliot Spitzer has been accused of soliciting hookers to the tune of up to $5,500 an hour. Eek.

And while everyone is weighing in on the governor's political future, I'm struck, yet again, by the sight of a politico's wife having to mug for the cameras while her man admits to givin out a side of penis to everything and anything that moves except her.

It's got to be painful, nerve-wracking, humilliating - but is it worth it? While the cameras are rolling and the men are boo-hooing daliances with the intern, the cop in the bathroom, the former Israeli-aid or a hooker, are the first ladies bemoaning a marriage gone bad or are they countin' Benjamins and planning a spectacular Waiting to Exhale episode of tie-cutting, car-burning mayhem?

I would love it if James pissed me off enough so that I could burn a car, his clothes and then tell the cops "I'm sorry, officer. I was just burning some trash."

For real, though, I don't understand why these caught-with-their-pants-down men have to drag their wives out for a public caning. The way I see it, these dudes got themselves into the mess by themselves and likewise they should see their way out of it by themselves.

But what do I know? I'm neither a woman, nor part of a powerful political marriage. So hats off to Hillary, Dina, Silda, and Suzanne -- they stand by their men, mug for the cameras in spite of the shame, and (I hope) plan a very lucrative revenge.

Sing it Tammy:

Monday, March 10, 2008

Crisis in Colombia Averted; Por Ahora

Call me a cynic, but the photo to the left doesn't pull at my heartstrings and make me hopeful about the future of Latin America. As long as Hugo Chavez is in the picture, we all have lots to worry about.

Following the Colombian government's decision to send troops past the Ecuadorian border last week to raid a camp set up the FARC rebel group, Venezuela's dictator used the situation to cry foul and ignite fears of Yankee imperialism in the region. Ecuador and Venezuela immediately halted diplomatic relations with Colombia, and Chavez threatened to bring Colombia's economy to its knees. After a crippling military assualt, of course.

Politics being the wishy-washy affair that they are in Latin America, war was conveniently averted this past Friday thanks to an agreement signed in the Dominican Republic between Colombia, Ecuador and Veneuzela. Colombia apologized for violating its neighbor's sovereignty, Venezuela beamed for yet another photo opp.

A collective sigh of relief is drowning out concerns over the influence that Hugo Chavez is wielding in the affairs of one of Latin America's strongest democracies. And it's not just the obvious headline-ready stuff that Chavez is trying to snatch from the administration of Alvaro Uribe either. Aside from hostage negotiations with the FARC, Chavez' government has not been able to counter claims that it supports the rebel group with arms and money.

Support for the FARC by Venezuela, friend of Cuba and Iran, has given the group new vigor. The U.S. and Europe's insatiable demand for cocaine have also kept terrorism in Colombia alive and well.

For now, however, the enemy seems to be playing nice. One day Chavez is ordering troops to the borders with Colombia, the next he's hugging their president and flying to Havana with a rogue Colombian senator to talk about hostage negotiations.

I've said it once and I'll say it again: Chavez' "ability" to "reason" with the terrorists only speaks to his role as one of the group's financiers and moral supporters. For that reason, upon the release of all of the FARC hostages, he should be tried for war crimes and executed. And I suspect that is going to be the course of action Colombia is going to pursue.

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Change You Can Believe In

Regardless of your opinion of Hillary Clinton we must all admit this: homegirl is a survivor. And it's that sort of tenacity and 11-th hour galvanizing of the public to break through rhetoric an effect real change that we should want in the White House next January.

Hillary was supposed to skulk away into obscurity after last night but sure enough, the voters in Texas and Ohio thought otherwise. And that's a great thing.

Now, for the sake of the Democratic party - a party I am still deeply disappointed in for their flavor-of-the-month tactics - I hope that Obama will concede defeat and support Hillary's nomination. Let's undo a White House victory by pitting two great Dems against each other for the sake of winning in PA. It's not fair to the party or the people of this country.

And Obama shouldn't skulk away into obscurity either: He called for change and America responded. The GOP is nominating a moderate Republican who most Americans find palatable and a far cry from the fundamentalist Christians the party has put forth in the past few years. The Dems were placing their bets on a black man and a woman for the nation's highest office. So, fait accompli, Barack. His campaign is a watershed moment for the Dems and our nation's history. Years from now we'll look back at American politics at the turn of the century and we'll look at the Dems pre and post Barack Obama. We've certainly changed since 2004 when most of us first heard of the Illinois senator, and I'd say we're all the better because of it.

That places a huge burden on Hillary. Americans are making an intelligent choice by supporting her, but her next battle is for our hearts. Not that she isn't up for the challenge, though. After all, by now it's clear there's nothing homegirl can't do.

Monday, March 03, 2008

You Don't Matter

I'd love to send a memo to the gays on Team Obama saying "you idiots don't matter." But then I'd have to send the same memo to the Log Cabin Republicans and the folks on Team Clinton.

Here's a newsflash for my fellow gays: We're just a talk point for Washington, not an action item.

And to be honest, that's fine by me. I don't expect for the next POTUS to place my community's agenda at the top of her to-do list. Having to end the war in Iraq and saving our economy should keep her busy for four years -- and that should be enough for all Americans.

Yes, we had to get vocal post-Stonewall, in the days of Harvey Milk and in the midst of the AIDS crisis. But in the early 90s the spirit of grunge and hope catapulted the gays into normalcy and it's been a dizzying ascent to the top of the pop culture food chain ever since.

In spite of W's attempted assault on gay rights, his rhetoric came down to sticks and stones nonsense. That's because most Americans don't really care about the gays -- if anything, I hate more gay people than the average Christian fundamentalist, but that comes from firsthand experience, not homespun bigotry.

Still, for my benefit, I would recommend that Hillary tack gay marriage on to an article protecting the Second Ammendment. You know, the one that gives us the right to bear arms? Slip it in with no fanfare and you'll see how quickly everyone is going to drop this family values nonsense. And then everyone will leave the gays alone.

Or kill us.

This post needs some work...