Saturday, January 19, 2008

True Story: The Bahamas Suck

A few years ago I had to take a reporter on a tour of a jail in Westchester to show off the facility's high tech security system. The tour also included a walk past the prisoner's cells, where yours truly was paraded around like a piece of bloody rib eye before some angry, pent-up lions. I found it funny that the cameras whose face-recognition technology I was talking about were capturing the full-on crotch-grabbing, invitations to come inside the cell, and simulated sex acts performed by the prisoners for my pleasure.

And I wondered, was I being taunted or were they just flirting? I mean, the only difference between the jail visit and a Friday night at Barracuda is that after the crotch grabbing and naughty chat I'm offered a cosmo.

But what does this have to do with the Bahamas?

The jail visit, and my recent visit to the Bahamas for work, were both instances where my flaming gayness was so apparent that it warranted hostile behavior from people I had no choice but to spend time with. OR I was being made to feel at home; just in a seemingly mean way.

I'll spare you the recap of the clusters of women I'd see looking at me up and down, shake their heads and laugh. Or the scowl on the faces of the men manning a speedboat when I shreaked after my suit got splashed with water on our way to a god-awful private island with tiki torches and conga lines. But I will recap the colorful conversation I had with two ladies who were running the security check point at the airport in Nassau.

From the moment I walked in with Baby Gooch (my pet name for my Gucci man bag) all eyes were on me. And the glances exchanged Selena and Eileen (of course they introduced themselves)said, "girl, it's on."

Selena: You got a girlfriend? This is a nice bag.
Me: No
Selena: You ever been with a Bahamian woman?
Eileen: Selena you so bad!
Me: Hee hee, does a Bahama Mama count?
Selena: Why you got a ring? You married?
Me: Yes, to a man.
Eileen: Oh no he didn't!
Me: I know you guys don't do that here.
Selena: No we don't.
Me: That's why I'm going home.
Selena: We just do our thing on the low.
Eileen: Can I say that it's a waste that you're a gay?

At this point I realized that, in their own way, Selena and Eileen were trying to be friends. OR, I've matured enough to let myself be in on the joke as opposed to feeling victimized.

Selena: We got a coworker here like you.
Me: How nice.
Selena: He says he loves cock more than we do. Do you talk like that?
Me: Uh
Selena: How about when you're getting f***ed?
Me: Uh
Eileen: Let's call him! (Him being the gay coworker I'm supposed to meet and f*** in front of them)
Me: Ladies I'm going to miss my flight but this has been fun.
Selena: You'll be fine.

Sigh. So I wait. And pull out my Altoids and offer them to my captors. Turns out my hands were trembling! I'm such a silly fag.

Finally the gay coworker comes in and shrieks (damn us, queers) and turns away.

Eileen: I told you he was pretty!

And that's pretty much it. I should have taken a picture of my new clique but I was so exhausted (and scared, sadly) that I just sped off and blew them a kiss.

This experience confirms my utter dislike for the Caribbean, with the exception of Puerto Rico and the Dominican Republic were James and I were treated very well by the locals.And you know I'm never setting foot in Jamaica.

We can add the Bahamas to that list.

Wondering what Selena and Eileen looked like? Here's an approximation:

And what does Nassau look like? Here are some cell phone shots:

Marina at the Atlantis Resort

Mrs.Roper Curtains in my room


James said...

If this conversation was happening between a straight man and those women, someone would get arrested for solicitation. If the word "cock" was uttered in the presence of a straight American woman, someone would have been fired. But when it's a gay man who is subjected to this, it's just a big laugh. We still put up with a lot of shit, don't we?

Anonymous said...

There should be a list somewhere of places that are dangerously anti-gay.

1. So, we don't give them our money.
2. So, we don't get killed.

I'm glad you got out of there ok.

Anonymous said...

Hello, as a Bahamian, I feel very moved by your experience at the airport. I do think that it was tragic what you went through. However, to label the Caribbean being the only region that is hostile to gays is unfair. I think that admitting that you are gay in any country brings about a reaction of either tolerance or intolerance, the latter being for the most part. The world is such that homosexuality will never be fully accepted because it was, is and will always be seen as a perversion. While I may sympathise with your inevitable oppression being a gay man in today's world, I do not appreciate you trying to lambaste countries that simply do not see life through your eyes. There are gays in my family. They are told constantly that their lifestyles are not the way forward but they are not loved any less. A silly experience at the airport is not an accurate means through which one should degrade a country. I think you took a poor attempt to create humor far too seriously. Don't expect the most educated of persons to work at the airport. A sense of decorum varies from person to person!

Anonymous said...

The Bahamas sucks. I'm moving out of this god-foresaken place soon (although not soon enough) and renouncing my citizenship. This country and their lame-ass intolerance can go to hell. Here's a list of other things that Bahamians discriminate against:

- Americans (more specifically white Americans and other white people in general)If you're a white American, it didn't really matter whether or not you were gay. Bahamians have this view that all white men are gay. (unless they look like the stereotypical lumberjack)

- Asians (ask all of the new Filipinos that moved here within the past year)

- non-Christians. I'm an agnostic and I have to put up with the same fuck every day for it. I have a new commandment for you ignorant Bahamian fucks; thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself

- other Bahamians. Yes Bahamians are very mean to each other and are not very hospitable to each other. However, they turn the other way in the presence of tourists in order to prevent the spread of negative images about the country. Sometimes, this bad attitudes trickles over to tourists but what can I say, pretentiousness requires a lot of energy.

Furthermore, this is a very fucked up place and I cannot wait until some other country invades the Bahamas and sets things straight. (even if it requires a second holocaust)I just hope that I've expatriated by that time.

Anonymous said...

7:59 is correct. the bahamas does suck. the people here and most of the caribbean are not nice. if you're gay, don't live here, they are against it. if you're pretty, you can feel the jealousy whereever you go bcz it's 99% ugly ppl here. when they see someone attractive they're very threatened. if you're looking to date dont come here. bcz there is literally no men here and no women. many ppl who have a brain have told me they just are single bcz there's no one here. you can not find someone attractive, sophisticated, smart, nice job all in one. if you do they are married & very much monogamous or they live in Lyford Cay where you'll never meet them. you can EASILY find someone to date if you're looking for an ugly, maybe even fat, arrogant, ghetto woman, or an ugly, dumb, promiscuous, ghetto guy/man. we have them here in droves. if u want to live here that's ur problem. i can't wait to get out and never come back.

Anonymous said...

What can I say, these people are very stupid, ignorant fucks. Not a day goes by when I do not feel like spraying all government buildings with flaming napalm. (that lame-ass COB is also included) The Bahamas government (especially those lobbyists in the Bahamas Christian Council) encourages this kind of behavior. The education in the country is deliberately kept as poor quality in order to ensure that all Bahamians grow up to be stupid fucks. Any Bahamian who's intelligent and rational (probably also liberal like myself) is actually doomed to being surrounded by a bunch of fucking idiots who don't know crap.

The worst part of all of this is that we're all going by anonymous because it's possible that the ultra-Stalinist 'powers that be' are always seeking to eliminate any threat to their power. The government is very good at playing dumb so that others may underestimate them but they actually know what they're doing. Even the UN is fooled.

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Anonymous said... are all so ignorant. I personally could care if your gay, straight, black or white...or whatever friggin country you’re from...what the hell ever it’s your friggin preference it’s your rights it's your people need to stop caring about what people say and just live your own damn God given life. I am not one to judge but all I can say is wow and shake my head. I am a Bahamian....and am damn proud to be one, and I know there is a lot of things our people have to change...but who are you to judge us...there are many other countries including America that havent accepted gays, that are still prejudice whether it be black or white....what I’m trying to say is that human beings are human beings we are all different it doesn’t matter where you’re from or your preferences. Because we are different we will not think the same. People will always have their own opinions on things, you just have to accept that we will never be or think alike. If you want to be gay be gay and happy and if you are happy it should not matter what people have to say. You should not just expect people to accept you….people won’t do this…once again this is because your preference may be different from theirs…..JUST LIVE YOUR DAMN LIFE AND BE FRIGGIN HAPPY …..BUT JUST BEAR IN MIND THAT ONE DAY YOU WILL HAVE TO ANSWER TO EVERYTHING YOU DID IN LIFE WHETHER IT BE GOOD OR BAD.

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

That's the problem with you Bahamians. You like to pre-judge everything. 8:29 , you asked us why aren't we out of the country. Here's the answer; WE AREN'T OUT YET AND IT'S NOT SO EASY TO LEAVE. I think that this point was obviously evident in our posts. Learn to read and analyze things first before making final judgements. This goes the same way when it comes to befriending people and being tolerant towards others. Do not pre-judge.

Anonymous said...

gays need rights try to go to the backward redneck areas of the
us the priests would be dissing gays

Anonymous said...

To 8:29 pm EST, I am finally out of that sad excuse of a country and I'm never returning. To 9:40, I hope that you get out too soon if you're not out already. Face it, the Bahamas is just a failed state filled with a clusterfuck of racist, homophobic, sexist niggers. If you have a problem with me using the N word, then too fucking bad. We invented it so technically, it's our word and you monkeys have no jurisdiction over it.(monkeys = stupid intolerant Bahamians, not the good ones) What the hell, even "monkey" is too good a label for typical Bahamians because I'm an animal rights activist. The Bahamas sucks.

Anonymous said...

I'm a white Bahamian, I was "born here", my father's family has been here since before some of the black slaves that were brought in from Africa, so I think I qualify to being even more Bahamian than the blacks.

The black people here are very prejudiced, they HATE anyone lighter skinned than they are, they even hate other blacks, and they dispise white people.

They think all white people are foreign, rich, smell "raw", and they have several names for white people, as I was called my whole childhood: red, honkey and whitey, seemed to be their favourite names to call me on a daily basis.

I grew up poorer than many of my black classmates, yet I am more sophistocated and educated than they are, even though I have the exact same education.

The blacks are born and bred into the mentality that enslaves them, and holds them back, mentally. If you send a Bahamian nigger to Harvard, you should bet your ass they will come back to the Bahamas, and be dumber than fuck.

They love to make jokes about white people any and everywhere: in public, on TV and on the Radio, but the white people in the Bahamas cannot make fun of them, the Niggers. And that's what they are, fucking Niggers.

What these black ignorant ass holes need to realise, is that they are stupid fucking retarted ass-backward degenerates that this country, that's right, MY BAHAMAS, you black fucks, would be much better off without!

They all need to be hauled back to Africa where they belong. Back to their mother land, filled with ignorant Africans that have ruined that continent, just like the Niggers that are ruining MY BAHAMAS.

To compare a black Bahamian to a monkey, would be a disgrace, to the monkey. Monkeys have more intelligence than the black Bahamian, the monkey is far superior in every way.

Black Bahamians treat all white people like they are dirt, when in fact, the black Bahamian, is less than dirt.

You want to know what hell on earth is like? -- grown up in the Bahamas as a poor white Bahamian.

Luckily I am much better off financially than I was as a child, and now that I am an adult, I have had the opportunity to live in the US, which is far better than living in the Bahamas.

I love the Bahamas, but I HATE the Nigger mother fuckers that have ruined the country.

The Bahamas' biggest downfall was when it gained independence from England.

You see, Niggers cannot run a country.

The English knew how to run countries, as they have for 1,000's of years. The minute a dumb Nigger decided to take over the country, they threw out 100's of wealthy white people (and poor), that were here for years, that were making this country a better place.

Once the Niggers got hold of this country, it's been a fucking cluster-fuck ever since. The nigger government runs a monopoly on the Electric company (BEC), the Phone company (BaTelCo) now (BTC) and the Water company.

The government is so corrupt they over-charge Bahamians for the utilities, about 3 to 4 times as much as in the US, and they are so fucking ignorant, that every single company has been run into the ground, all of the companies are doing shitty, none are run properly. Because Niggers Cannot do anything - they are fucking RETARTED!

Good luck to the White Bahamians living here (and the very few blacks that are good people, but they are stuck here too, but they're black, so they fit in at least), because it's only going to get worse and worse and worse.

Bahamians of all races are class oriented, so the white rich think they are superior to the poor whites, and it's just one big fucking headache living here.

I fucking hate all Bahamians. The Bahamas sucks because of the Bahamians. The islands and the ocean and its creatures are beautiful and lovely, but the people are disgusting pieces of shit.

Fuck you Bahamians!

Anonymous said...

Don't move to the Bahamas, unless you are filthy rich so that you can escape the reality of living here. You must live in a gated community, you must have a very high paying job, or come from a rich family, or you've made tons of money.

You must make friends with other rich people like yourself, because the Bahamas is very class-concious, and very pretentious. Most Bahamians spend their whole lives climbing the social ladder, and will lie, steal and cheat, to stay at the top of the social ladder.

Any poor white Bahamians spend their whole lives working like dogs to climb the social ladder, and even when they too become rich, they aren't fully accepted by the "born rich". Bahamians put each other down, they feel entitled.

Bahamian men degrade and use tourist women by sleeping with 100's if not 1,000's before they commit to marriage. Bahamian women are called sluts and given terrible reputations if they dare date a lot of men on the island, even tourist men.

It is very ass-backward, and very 3rd world mentality in the Bahamas. Almost all white Bahamians are alcoholics, and the vast majority have experimented with marijuana and cocaine. Those that get out of control are shunned by society and given bad reputations, and are not accepted back into society, unless of course, they are rich, and can be used to climb the social ladder. There is no rehab here for addiction, and if you get treatment abroad, everyone finds out about it, and you are shunned and talked about badly.

Bahamians are paranoid and they think that everyone wants the Bahamas, so they feel entitled to "their land" -- even though 100% of the Bahamians are all immigrants, either from Africa, the blacks, or Europe and America, the whites. The blacks HATE the whites, and the whites HATE the blacks, but the blacks are very vocal about it, and be prepared to encounter such attitudes of prejudice from blacks towards other blacks, and especially white people.

The cost of living here is very high, you can't find anything on the shelves at the stores, and the clerks at the stores sit there scratching their nasty dirty greasy nigger hair with their fingers, or their pen, then proceed to touch your food items, and hand you a pen if you use your credit card. Disgusting.

Always carry hand sanitizer to use after you go to the store, your hands will always be filthy - all items are covered in dirt and dust.

The Bahamas is a real fucking shit hole, and I'm ashamed to be Bahamian because of the people here. The actual country is beautiful, too bad the people have ruined this country.

Oh and the Bahamians treat dogs and cats like dirt, be prepared to see dying starving dogs everywhere you go, they are knocked down by cars, starved, and tortured for fun.

The Bahamas Humane Society can't and won't ask for help from the US for the out of control animal abuse that is widespread. Volunteers spay and neuter dogs, and they put them back on the streets by the 100's, and there is no food or water for these animals and no health care.

The mentality of the Bahamian is that they are fucking Retarted! There is no other word to describe the sheer ignorance of this entire country.

Anonymous said...

Okay I am honestly pissed of these people saying my home suck.

I agree with some of you that they are rather quick to judge but not all of the people their are what you all think, where I live the people are really nice.

I cannot do anything if you guys don't like it because that's not my problem but that doesn't give you any right to slander them like that.


Anonymous said...

thats what you get for being gay day someone gonna kill you

Anonymous said...

Once again, I am glad that I don't live in that ass-backward country anymore. Its natural habitat and geography is beautiful, but the people need to get their freaking acts together. Come on, the weather there is great, the flora and fauna is fine, you can go to the beach whenever you want. Once the people change their attitudes, it will be a nice place to live. The people make it suck.

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Anonymous said...

I hope people will stop visiting or the real criminals take over, Bahamians are anti black, white etc. They just wake up hating themselves, but wouldn't you if you were 400 pounds, smelled like they slept in a bag of onions and couldn't beat a 3rd grader in an alphabet recital. Its like if we took the worst neighborhood in America and put it on an island DO NOT GO. We cant leave because nobody wants lazy bahamian labor, if you ask what the two chief exports are 1. Garbage 2. Excuses as to why they are worthless

Anonymous said...

Everyone should stop wasting their time commenting on the soon to be desolate country of The Bahamas. Because of business, I have been in and out of The Bahamas since the 1960's. There was a time when this was a place to go and to be seen as it was frequented by the rich and famous and was truly a great place to go... People were dressed properly and the food was excellent. When The Bahamas got it's independence from Great Britain...everything went down hill. Today, Nassau is dirty and run down and full of crime. Stop worrying about the fact that they hate gay people... They hate everyone and most of all themselves. Bahamians for the most part are stupid. The reason: They interbreed. Most of the time this is due to ignorance as they have no idea they are breeding with folks that are their relatives. When I lived in Nassau, my Bahamian staff told me the horror stories of being close to getting married to a persona and their own parents would finally come forward to tell them they could not marry a person because it was their half brother or sister. Bahamians do not stay married and the male to female ratio is one to three. You do the math.... They are dirty..stupid and MEAN. I know the Caribbean well and can tell you that now that Cuba is opening up Bahamians will soon be the new "boat people" Cuba is a wonderful place full of good looking people, great attitudes, wonderful food and a population that is GLAD you are there... Goodbye to the corrupt and UGLY Bahamas.