Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Senator Obama, I am Not President Bush

Well then. The only thing that could have made tonight's final Presidential debate any more exciting would have been an announcement from the candidates that there was Kettle One in the glass tumblers. That and some good ol' chicken wing eatin' and bone tossin' between policy talk. But that didn't happen. Instead, the candidates came as close to being real as they ever have been during the campaign. The exchange was viscious and the desperation was unrestrained. This is politics and the future of the Empire is at stake. No time for nice.

John McCain, in his incessant blinking, is surely being patted on the head by his campaign leaders right now for uttering, just like they had rehearsed, "I am NOT President Bush. I can pronounce nuclear, thank you, Senator Osama." Barack Obama, having also rehearsed before the debate, just laughed.

Here's what we(I)heard:
- McCain: My friends, now is not the time to get tough on big business. We have to give them tax credits, the way the Irish do, and why the hell won't Obama come clean about blowing up buildings with Bill Ayers?

- Obama: Ha ha ha. My healthcare plan will make it easier for your employer to provide you with healthcare, and if that's not an option for you, you can buy into the same federal program folks like John McCain and I enjoy.

- McCain: Stop calling me a racist, you terrorist! I love precious special needs children.

- Obama: Special needs children need funding. The same kind of funding you're not down with.

- McCain: Why would you let a baby die? You would yank a live fetus from a woman's womb you monster.

- Obama: Did you just say you can balance the budget in four years? And who the hell is Joe the Plumber? Is he the same guy as Joe Six Pack?

- McCain: Isn't Sarah Palin somethin? I can't even tell you how proud I am of her.

- Obama: How many brothers out there know just what I'm gettin' at
Who thinks it's wrong 'cos I'm splittin' and co-hittin' that
Well if you do, that's OPP and you're not down with it
But if you don't, here's your membership

- McCain: And speaking of public schools we sent the Indian one to the same private schools as our real children.

- Obama: (Laughs) You really think I'm a terrorist who gave $800,000 to Acorn don't you?

- McCain: Isn't it funny how our wives are wearing red and blue tonight? Why do you support the drug trade in Colombia?

- Obama: We have to start making fuel-efficient cars here in the U.S.

CNN places Obama in the lead as of now, stating the McCain has a lot of work ahead of him to win swing states like Florida, Pennsylvania and North Carolina. That's really all the commentary I need from them but somehow they have 20 pundits sitting in front of CNN-branded laptops talking about their e-mail correspondence with both candidates' camps. Yawn.


David said...


Why the flying squirrel do we need 80 pundits with laptops and smug expressions telling us how to decode what the candidates are saying and the effect it'll have on the country and the election? The only one worth her paycheck is Gloria Borger because she's adorable and always looks like she is overjoyed they let her sit at the roundtable.

In other news, McCain's unbridled facial expressions were the star of the night. I'd be remiss if I didn't add that to your list of fun.

James said...

"Furious eye was exhibited by Nixon during his speech resigning the Presidency. Mentally unpleasant or uncomfortable situations are known to increase blink rate. Psychologist Joseph Tecce of Boston College has called this the 'Nixon effect' precisely because of Nixon's speech."

Did you notice how many times McCain blinked during his speech?