Monday, April 07, 2008

Stuff Gay Men Like

One of my new fav sites is dedicated to listing out things that "Stuff Educated Black People Like." The site is in response to the hugely popular "Stuff White People Like," which has spawned a dozen "Stuff X People Like." But I couldn't find a comprehensive list of stuff that queer men like, so here's my top ten.

1. Fat Girls - Is there any other kind of fag hag? Fat girls are to gay men what Sweden was to the Jews during WWII. Think back to your high school days and it's likely that the only other person who defended your heterosexuality more than you was a fat girl whose prospects of scoring a man were as limited as yours. You shared twinkies, tears and VHS tapes of "My So Called Life" and tweezed each others eye brows. Now that you're both grown and are in and out of relationships, not much has changed.

2. Black Women - Spill a drink on a gay or stall his promotion at work and you're likely to get a head bob, eye roll and 180 degree twist of the right hand in exasperation from said victimized homosexual. Rage turns many a Mary, regardless of race, into a straight-up gangsta bitch.

3. Chuck Taylors - Whether they're the fancy John Varvatos variety or your classic $30 kind, gay men love their Chuck Taylors.

4. Khakis and Pastel - Said Chuck Taylors go perfectly with a crisp pair of khakis, a pastel colored button down and a smart blazer or cardigan. It's forever Easter by way of Jack McFarland for many mos.

5. Breakdowns - If you're a diva and need to boost your album sales, a spectacular breakdown is a sure fire way to corner the gay market. We love it all: exhaustion, drug abuse, incarceration, fainting and raspy-voiced confessions of sobriety. Come within an inch of your life (or go all the way for Legend status, hail Judy), and you'll be breakin' all sorts of box office/Billboard records.

6. Breakups - Everytime I meet a new group of gay men I always meet one Nelly who is proud to declare "Well I was with my ex for 10 years and we're still best friends." Said Nelly is all of 28, making the idea of co-dependence even more alarming and disgusting. Nonetheless, that's how many gays do.

7. Travel - The second thing gay men are most likely to brag about, after their sexploits, are the number of stamps on their passport. And every stamp likely has a story about a sexploit anyway. It seems that mos are always on the go. A New York gay won't consider visiting his parents in Queens or New Jersey for the day, but a weekend trip to Budapest or Adis Adaba will be given serious thought.

8. Premium Denim - Steroid use and manorexia make it really hard to find the right pair of crotch/butt grabbing denim. Fortunately, designers in Europe understand our body dysmorphia and have created denim that lifts, separates and hugs in our nether-360 region. At a hefty cost, of course, but it's one we're willing to pay.

9. Fitness - Not every gay is on juice, but many of us do spend an obscene amount of time at the gym. Today's health megaplexes are the gay agora...years from now, when the remains of Chelsea are unearthed, archaeologists will marvel at our steam rooms, weight machines and pilates studios.

10. The Internet - Raise your hand if you found a roommate, a job, a "date" and a couch on Craig's List -- all before your evening workout.


Anonymous said...

I'm gay and support Obama, but I must admit I've noticed that in the Texas primaries I've stumped at in Texas, the male types (gay or straight) that support Hillary do tend to be of the "girlie" types Camille Paglia describes below. What do you say GCL?

"... the male staff who Hillary attracts are slick, geeky weasels or rancid, asexual cream puffs. (One of the latter, the insufferable Mark Penn, just got the heave-ho after he played Hillary for a patsy with the Colombian government.) If I were to hazard a guess, I'd say Hillary is reconstituting the toxic hierarchy of her childhood household, with her on top instead of her drill-sergeant father. All those seething beta males ... are versions of her sad-sack brothers, who got the short end of the Rodham DNA stick.

The compulsive war-room mentality of both Clintons is neurosis writ large. The White House should not be a banging, rocking washer perpetually stuck on spin cycle. Many Democrats, including myself, have come to doubt whether Hillary has any core values or even a stable sense of identity. With her outlandish fibbing and naive self-puffery, her erratic day-to-day changes of tone and message, her glassy, fixed smiles, and her leaden and embarrassingly unpresidential jokes about pop culture, she has started to seem like one of those manic, seductively vampiric patients in trashy old Hollywood hospital flicks like "The Snake Pit." How anyone could confuse Hillary's sourly cynical, male-bashing megalomania with authentic feminism is beyond me."


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